Beauty in the Eyes of the Beholders

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They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but anyone who’s played a campaign of Dungeons & Dragons will agree that the truth is often much, much darker. There’s very little beauty in an 8-foot-wide ball of flesh, eyes and teeth. Any but the most experienced characters will wet their chainmail at the sight of these hideous, bestalked floating eyeballs.

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It’s not just that they’re frighteningly bizarre, or even the near certainty of being slain just by their gaze, but their cunning intelligence elevates them from mere dungeon dwellers to truly formidable foes.

As terrible and powerful as they are, who wouldn’t want a beholder or two of their own to keep around the house? With your own small army of these aberrant monsters, you could turn their destructive powers to the side of awesome. Their main eye casts a powerful anti-magical spell that instantly disarms would-be spellcasters with a simple gaze. Meanwhile, each of the smaller eyes contains different sinister spells that can cripple, vanquish or psychologically harm unfortunate adventurers.

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Beholders are among the oldest of the D&D beastiary, having been in the game since their introduction in the first edition in 1975. They’re such an iconic element of the classic games that they remain one of the few pieces of intellectual property from the original Dungeons & Dragons that hasn’t slipped into the Open Gaming License for the system.

But now you can have your own collection of adorable, hand crafted beholders from Kirstin Rowan. These bean-filled felt toys feature the hallmarks of the classic beholder, from their large angry central eye, to their multiple eyestalks, to their massive toothy maws.

If your kid thinks you’re a dork for playing D&D at age 40-something, turn that child onto these grievous beasts. They are sure to turn that child around. Seriously. It’s like something out of a Burroughs novel. (Save the Burroughs read-along till your child gets a little older.)

The Bean Bag Beholders are available at Etsy.

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