Kane Plushie Keeps the Baddies Away

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Is your tyke constantly rousting you out of bed in the wee hours of the morning seeking comfort and protection from closet-dwelling monsters? Well, what if he or she had a sleepytime companion who could choke-slam the most bloodcurdling boogiemen into oblivion?

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Granted, this 10-inch plush doll won’t be much help against a legitimate monster attack. But anyone who follows professional wrestling knows all too well that the real Devil’s Favorite Demon has squashed some of WWE’s most mythic miscreations, including his half-brother The Undertaker, Mankind, Big Daddy V and disgraced baseball star, Pete Rose.

But the notorious masked brawler endured a staggeringly traumatizing upbringing before becoming a multi-time world champion. He spent his early years chained up in the basement of a funeral home owned by his presumed parents. One day, his older sibling went bonkers and set the building ablaze. Kane’s mother and the man he thought was his father perished, but Kane might think of them as the lucky ones. The inferno left his mind damaged beyond repair, and his body covered in disfiguring burns.

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Many years later, after a prolonged period of institutionalization, Kane learned that the brother he swore revenge against just so happened to have reinvented himself as a bonafide, big-time wrasslin’ star. What a happy coincidence! At the urgence of The Undertaker’s embittered former manager Paul Bearer (and unbeknownst to Kane at the time, his real father), The Big Red Machine showed up at a 1997 Pay-Per-View event and pile-drived the snot out of the so-called “Dead Man.” A legendary feud had begun.

Since then, Kane has gone from a bad guy, or “heel,” to a good guy, or “face,” and back again a handful of times. These days, likely the twilight of his in-ring career, his character has evolved into something of an antihero. Recently he enjoyed a tenure as a tag team champion alongside the WWE’s only outspoken vegan superstar, Daniel Bryan.

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As for what life may hold for the performer, whose real name is Glenn Jacobs, after wrestling, his disappointment with Tennessee Sen. Lamar Alexander prompted him to consider embarking on his own senate campaign in 2014. In the unlikely event that Jacobs decides to run, could the staunch libertarian follow in the shoes of former Minnesota Governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura, or would he suffer humiliating and expensive electoral defeat like his boss’s wife, Linda McMahon?

If the insatiable lust for insanity and brutality he displayed on TV for more than 15 years wasn’t all an act, he might have a shot at success in politics. Foward to 2:58 for Kane’s appearance.

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