Metalocalypse: A Parenting Primer

Metalocalypse

We talk a lot about ways to direct your spawn toward an adulthood resembling that of one of our favorite fictional characters. But not everybody wants to ensure that, after they shuffle loose the mortal coil, they’ve left behind someone who will make the world a better place. Some people just want to raise a billionaire rock star, and don’t care if the kid happens to be a grotesque, loathsome excuse for a human being.

And nobody does grotesque and loathsome like William Murderface. He might not be a vitally important member of Dethklok – the most brutal and significant entertainment and merchandising institution in the history of civilization. Granted, Murderface’s technical incompetence and laziness forces lead guitarist Skwisgaar Skwigelf to play all the bass parts on Dethklok records. Murderface takes pride in deliberately dickish behavior. He’s not very smart. He’s prone to violent tantrums. He’s clearly not at peace with his sexuality. And he smells bad. But he’s also unimaginably rich and famous, and did very, very little work to get that way.

If that sounds like a desirable condition for your child to grow into, here are a few ways to help get the li’l munchkin there.

SHOW THEM HOW TO EMBRACE ALL THAT IS BRUTAL

Would Dethklok be the most brutal band on the planet if Murderface wasn’t around to make them all miserable? Maybe! Who knows? But the fact of the matter is Murderface infects everyone who gets near him with his deeply-seated self-loathing, which can’t help but keep his outfit’s overall brutality level off the scale.

 

Murderface doll

Maybe this Murderface doll on Etsy looks sort of adorable, but we guarantee it hates itself to the utmost capacity that an inanimate object is capable. The craft person notes that her Murderface is a bit too delicate for a truly brutal playtime, although the button eyes could make brutal choking hazards for especially young kids or deeply stupid adults. She’s also got homemade felt plushies in the likenesses of other Metalocalypse cast members, Deadpool, Axl Rose, and a whole bunch of other characters known for varying degrees of brutality.

PUT THEM ON THE ZAZZTRAIN TO ZAZZVILLE

Zazz t shirt

A future Murderface should also have a solid grasp on the abstract notion of “zazz.” Murderface’s Nascar-type Theatrical Hybrid Event may have been a commercial and financial failure that resulted in dozens of grisly deaths. BUT IT HAD ZAZZ. So did the Dethderby, in which Murderface destroyed JFK’s assassination car, as well as the seat Lincoln rested his soon-to-be-non-existent tucus in at Ford’s Theatre. But you can’t teach zazz. We all have to figure it out for ourselves. Walking around in a T-shirt that says “Zazz” on it seems like a good way to start, though.

TEACH THEM TO PLAY BASS WITH THEIR PRIVATE PARTS

This one might be tricky for girls. Not impossible, perhaps. But tricky.

Anyway, Murderface’s bass solos – noted for inspiring awe and horror – stand as his lone meaningful contributions to successful Dethklok concerts. We should note that sacrificing his manhood to the altar of Les Claypool has decreased the already scant odds of Murderface ever reproducing. Not unlike its wielder, Little Murderface is calloused and disfigured to the point of being unrecognizable as a human reproductive organ.

But before anyone learns to play bass with their wiener, they must first learn the old fashioned way. Here’s an Amazon link to some bass guitar kits for beginners, although we recommend checking out the prices and selection at your local music store before shopping online.

 

SLAUGHTER YOUR SPOUSE WITH A CHAINSAW, THEN CUT OFF YOUR OWN ARMS AND LEGS

Not unlike Bruce Wayne, William Murderface’s childhood was defined by tragedy. As a result of a savage murder/suicide that swiftly ended any possibility of a “normal” upbringing, grandparents Thunderbolt and Stella Murderface housed, fed, and clothed young William until he became filthy rich and set about doing his best to forget they existed.

Would Murderface have grown up into a well-adjusted, kind-hearted, hard-working person if his father had opted not to kill his wife and gradually devest himself of his own appendages? That depends on what side of the nurture vs. nature debate you fall on. But to be certain that your child turns into a clone of Murderface, you’ll need to make sure you’ve covered every base.

Then again, maybe you would prefer to not raise a future Murderface, in which case keep your significant other alive and your arms and legs attached. Let us note that the aforementioned doll, bass, and T-shirt could help a child grow to resemble a more noble imaginary bassist, such as Charlie Pace or Derek Smalls.

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