Kid stars, children thrown into the limelight before they can read the scripts they’re handed by money-grubbing agents and managers, often end up falling apart before they reach puberty. History is littered with their corpses — both figurative and literal. The few that survive usually end up in B-movie careers or worse, appearing on VH1 specials. Rare is the kid that finds stable footing in adulthood. You can count them on one hand.
It’s even worse for kids who are in the music business. Raw musical talent is fascinating when a person is young. In fact, the younger the child, the greater the sense of awe we all share. But it comes at a price. Once the novelty of youth wears off, the maturing kid rocker must actually prove him or herself to an ever disinterested audience. That’s about the time the fame wanes and the alcohol, dope and sex tapes make their appearance.
So, in the interest of helping you guide your children onto the path of sensible stardom — if that is the path they are traveling – we present five kid rock stars your child should absolutely never, ever … ever emulate.
1. Danny Bonaduce
That cute little wisecracking redhead from “The Partridge Family” turned out to be a real asshole, didn’t he? The little jerk probably couldn’t even play bass, but his Don Rickles-style persona was enough to get him through several seasons of the successful comedy series about a traveling family band. As an adult, he became a radio show host, a martial arts expert and giant dickhead. As in this clip where he dumps the annoying but harmless Jonny Fairplay right on his face.
Or when he was busted with cocaine while in Florida to host a D.A.R.E. anti-drug event. Or when he beat up a tranny prostitute. Or when he danced naked on stage, his fiery tallywacker swinging in the breeze. Kids, stay very far away from this man.
2. Miley Cyrus
Daughter of the moderately talented Billy Ray, Miley was cute as hell and had more potential than her dad. Then she got famous fast, and turned into one of those plastic pop divas whose aesthetic became more important than her creative output. Well, who can blame her? Maxim covers beat quality pop any day.
3. Leif Garrett
Oh he was gorgeous. He could sing. And he could act. And he turned out to be a total loon. Though he had a promising career in film (he was in the classics Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice and the Walking Tall series), he wound up with numerous drug arrests and wound up nearly killing a friend in a car accident while hopped up on dope and alcohol. The friend was left paralyzed. They reconciled on, of all places, VH1.
4. Corey Feldman
Actor first, singer second and half-assed Michael Jackson impersonator third, this guy had it all laid out for him. “Mork & Mindy,” “Lost Boys,” “The Goonies,” “Stand By Me.” He was a freaking star. Then he became a singer. Or something in the neighborhood of singer …
Then he accused the guy he was ripping off, you know that Michael Jackson character, of molesting him. Then he defended him. Then he started hanging out with another troubled Corey … Haim, that is. Feldman was almost as giant a mess as his buddy Haim, stopping just short of dying a too-early death.
5. Justin Bieber
He may be an easy target, but Holy Freaking Crap this guy is a pile of … freaking crap. We can let his music slide, crappy as it is. But dude has been involved in several altercations with photographers – you know, the people who helped make him famous. He vomited on stage, which could happen to anyone, but he probably deserves it more than most. Then he quipped that he hoped that Anne Frank would have been a Bieber fan. He was busted under suspicion of drug possession, but was let off since there was no evidence to connect him to the stuff. Oh, and his music is crap, which, had it been good might have overshadowed this other crap. But no, it’s just crap.