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Heavy Metal Fun Time Coloring Book

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Coloring and activity books are an integral part of a child’s evolution into adulthood, just like watching Sesame Street and blowing milk bubbles out of their nostrils. Without these vital elements to keep them preoccupied, who knows what might become of the world’s baby and toddler population. Maybe they’ll grow into pint-sized masses of frustration and boredom: terrorizing cities like Godzilla, destroying Tokyo without parental supervision. These are things that parents don’t approve of, so keeping little ones in a constant state of coloring bliss is necessary in order to maintain an influx of baby invasions.

But fear not, all you counter-culture-obsessed parents, for the makers of The Gangsta Rap Coloring Book have released a metal counterpart:The Heavy Metal Fun Time Activity Book, packed with an expanding array of activities for kids focused heavily on learning and less on taking over the world. Without resorting to shots of whiskey or watery pints of domestic backwash to appreciate metal’s assaultive flair, cherubs livin’ on hell’s highway can spend their time coloring pictures of Metallica, Pantera, and Danzig while never having to deal with the painful hangovers.They can also use strategic mind skills to guide Spinal Tap through mazes of backstage confusion, tackle the Black Metal word scramble, tease the Hair Metal crossword puzzles, design their own Gene Simmons mask, and find words in the names of guitar virtuosos that are too difficult to pronounce. All this plus a forward from the somehow-still-relevant party rocker Andrew W.K., will entertain bitty thrashers for hours as they drift into deep states of creative silence and concentration; states that are less harmful than the damnation of all parental authority.

Ummm, here’s a video that needs no explanation, except to say that Andrew W.K.’s fondness for My Little Ponies makes me jealous.

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