If you’re anything like me, you’re sick and tired of all those pesky walls getting in your way all the time. And all that walking! Ugh. You’re probably thinking the only way to get through a barrier is with a sledgehammer, you monster.
It’s time to start thinking portals. Getting from the couch to the kitchen for a snack is easy, all you have to do is take a page from Portal 2’s Chell or Atlas and P-Body and shoot yourself a portal into the kitchen floor.
1. Maximizing Test Results
You may think GLaDOS doesn’t have your interests at heart, but don’t forget that she’s provided you with a few small comforts to use while you’re being tested. Everyone tests better with music, and now the music from Portal 2 can become your family’s soundtrack for testing at home or in the car. The download is free!
Atlas and P-body’s trials prove that no puzzle can ever be completed without using every tool at your disposal, so your family should never go anywhere without the blue and orange goo that makes the in-game test subjects bounce and slide to victory over every malicious obstacle. The goo may not have the same effect in the real world, but it’s still fun to mold and squish.
Programmed A.I. is a tricky thing, and a programmed personality core can be your best defender or worst enemy. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer with these talking Wheatley personality core plushies or put GLaDOS into a real potato just like Chell and Wheatley did in Portal 2.
2. Biological Inefficiency
Having to ingest food to sustain life may be downright inefficient and barbaric, but for your family, it’s unavoidable. Good thing you can make Aperture-Science-approved baked treats with these cookie cutters.
When you send the shorter ones off to school, you’ll need to send some food with them so they can come home ready for more testing. Results of Aperture Science studies show that packing their lunch in these soft, retro metal or companion cube lunchboxes will make them superior to all of the other test subjects in their class.
3. Contaminated Test Subjects
The most unfortunate part about being human is that you are always hopelessly filthy. Please, do science a favor and make sure your family uses some of these Portal logo or companion cube soaps before you muck up the testing facility any further.
Aperture Science has also found that the littlest humans tend to be the most malodorous. The testing facility has asked that you mark the tiny ones for them with these science-approved onesies. Please also label the slightly less olfactorily offensive older children with these blue and orange rubber bracelets or Portal cube hair pins.
4. Subliminal Conditioning
We all know how hard it can be to shake off the psychological effects of a tough day of testing. Aperture Science thinks it’s for your own good to surround your family with soothing Portal-themed prints and posters so that even when they’re relaxing, they’re unknowingly preparing for the next test and becoming more trusting of science.
We understand that tiny humans need a sense of security in their own homes, even if it’s a false one. Help them feel safer in their environments with this giant companion cube plushie, or these motion-activated desk turrets.
Remember humans, if life gives you lemons, make lemon grenades.